ULAN

8.16.08


Alas tres beinte tres ng umaga. Bigla akong nagising na ikaw pa rin ang nasa isip ko. Napakalakas ng ulan sa labas. Yung parang di na hihinto. Alam ko mahimbing ang tulog mo sa mga oras na to. Mahal na mahal kita mahal ko. Giniginaw ako. SAna andito ka para yakapin ako.
Mis na kita masyado…

SO NEAR YET SO FAR

8.15.08

“I know you are exhausted. Rest well and eat your meals when you wake up. Don’t starve youself. I don’t want you to get sick. Just text me when it’s possible. Tc. Msu. Lu.” Message sent.

Hay sobrang miss na kita. Di ko mapigilan na isipin ka. Sana ok ka namn diyan. Sana kumakain ka naman ng maayos. Sana hindi basa ng pawis ang likod mo. Sana di mo naman pinapabayaan ang sarili mo.

Ang hirap ng ganito. Minsan naiinis na ako kasi sa layo natin di man lang kita maalagaan. Iniisip ko na lang na sana kahit sa munti kong paraan naipapakita ko sa’yo kung gaano ka kahalaga sa akin. SAna sa aking kakulitan, naipadarama ko rin sa’yo kung gano kita kamahal. Sana sa aking malambing na tinig at tawa ay napapasaya rin kita palagi… Mahal na mahal kita…

MISSING ME

8.14.08

I know you miss me so much. I’m so flattered. I could feel the yearning in your text. Your words are so striking. Although some of it you said through jokes, I know they were half-meant. I couldn’t belive that I have a great impact on you. Several times I’ve asked myself, “What have I done to make you feel that way towards me?” Later on I just blush and smile…

P.S.

8.11.08

Today I heard one of the most heartbreaking facts ever. I discovered about the excess baggage. Before you already told me that you have something very important to say to me. That would surely test the love that I felt for you. You told me not to think of it. I tried not to. But the strong sense of curiosity that gyrated in my mind made me formulate some hypotheses. Then it crossed my mind, what if you really have it? How would I react? But later on, I thought that it might just be one of my crazy ideas so for the meantime, I tried my best to delete it from my brain.

Yet a woman’s intuition is really strong. Out of the blue, that same question popped in my mind again. Then I tried to ask you about that. You gave hesitant answers. What if’s. Then you told me it was true. I was waiting for the punch line. That time I wished you were just telling me a first class lie. But damn it’s really true. For a few seconds I was struck dumbfounded and confused.

That was so cruel. I didn’t know how to feel or react. I never knew that until this day of revelation came. I remained calm and speechless. But when I came back to my senses, I just said I can accept it coz I love you. I admit that knowing about it hurt me a lot. But I guess that time the love for you that I felt was greater than the hurt that you made me feel. I know we can’t do anything about it. The life’s there. We can no longer change that.

A myriad of questions came rushing through. So many what if’s. You satisfactorily answered all of them. There’s just something that bugged my mind… I came to think about the future offspring if ever. How would they react? Would they be able to accept it? I hope it would not be as hard as what I am thinking. It’s giving me so much anxiety.

I washed my hand and gave you the responsibility to explicate it to them. Anyway it’s your story to tell. Just don’t forget what you always have to remember.

ESPECIALLY FOR YOU

8.10.08

I caught myself smiling coz I remembered your face…
All I could think of are our blissful days
I love the way you smile.
I love the way you laugh and make me laugh.
I love it even more when you say how much you love and miss me...
I always wanna see your sweet little eyes
They are so expressive, they can even hypnotize.
I couldn’t help but dream of you when I hear our song
Especially when you sing along.
It makes me imagine that we’re savoring our moments together
Now I’m praying for this to be forever…

I love you so much mahal ko….

YOU AND ME

8.09.08


It’s a clear Saturday morning. I woke up with a pair of swollen eyes and a worried heart. I could still vividly recall what happened last night. It was one of the most nerve-racking scenarios I’ve ever been into. It was painful. But as the saying goes, “Truth is like a surgery that hurts but it cures.”

In fairness, as compared to last night, I’m feeling a little better now. Well thanks to God, He made me strong despite the heartaches…

It’s around 8 am when you called me up. It was the perfect timing. I was the only one left in the house so I am free to articulate myself. We still had a recap of that fateful happenstance. You assured me that together we can make it through. I acquiesced. With this intensity of love that we have, I’m pretty sure we can do that.

Then you asked me to play our song, “You and Me” by Lifehouse. I was certain that you would cry again coz you told me before that the song has a great impact on you. You told me it’s our story. It conveyed how you truly felt for me. As what I’ve expected you really cried… I was so touched. I deeply felt it that later on I just noticed that I was already crying with you, too.

In between sobs, our words expressed how we sincerely loved each other. That was one of the most unforgettable moments for me. That time we cried, but we shed tears of joy – tears that insinuated how we deeply loved each other. That was also the same moment when I answered your question to me before. You asked me if I loved you the way you loved me. Well, yes… It’s unexplainable. But all I know is that my love for you gets stronger each day. Since I learned about it, I’ve become a lot happier. (Oh you’re smiling… I love you…)

I went to the office and told you to call me after lunch. But you admitted that you missed me so bad that’s why you called me earlier. My heart blushed and smiled. I missed you too if you only knew… I love you more today than yesterday.

We talk each time we had a chance. Hmmmm… I remember one of my colleagues asking you, “Don’t you get tired of talking to each other?” Haha… When you’re inlove you don’t get tired.

I’m glad coz it seems like we are just always together. We may be far in distance but our thoughts are always intertwined. Love is truly amazing. Just see how it connects you and me.

JINXED

8.08.08

I felt both down and exasperated. I think I woke up today at the wrong side of the bed. I was kind of annoyed perhaps because everything didn’t turn out the way I had expected it. But later on everything went to normal. I revelled in it too much that I wasn’t able to anticipate the bad things that were supposed to come up.

The day started with an annoying scenario. I went to the office and it was brownout. I was the main subject Mom was there and I know she wanted to wring my neck for some reasons. All of the male species in the office became so mean. They kept on teasing me about him. I know it was only a joke. At first I was still able to handle the situation… It was funny anyway. But what was funny turned out to be irksome. It was no longer a joke; it was some serious matter that surely has a grave consequence. Mom didn’t want it. I got scared. I know I was getting jinxed.

When I went home, they put me in the hot seat and gave me a very long homily. They reprimanded me of my actions and behaviour. It was a tear-filled moment. I could understand them. They were just becoming super strict because they just want to keep me away from harm. I just hated it when mom told me that I was worse than the other girls she knows. According to her I was such a coquet … It was a stereotype. I felt like a dagger was buried in my chest. It was so excruciating. She doesn’t know me that well so she can’t say that. But all of us have our own shortcomings so I tried to understand. I know they only do this for my own good. They just loved me so much.

When Mk and I had the chance to talk, I cried my heart out. I was so upset that time. I didn’t know what to do. I fumbled for words. But the gist of it all was that I told him to assure me he you won’t leave me. He acquiesced.

…

Thank you Mk… I’m so glad we found each other.

I shared my sad story with you and I know you felt bad too. I’m sorry… Perhaps that was really meant to happen. As what I’ve said before, everything happens for a purpose. I know it’s for the better. Let’s just stay strong. With our love for each other, I know we can make it.

A BEAUTIFUL INSANITY

8.07.08

That happened on a week in the middle of May 2008. I was so jaded. I decided to open my lime mishi YM account and tried my luck in looking for a sensible conversationalist. There were lots of people online. I even had a chance to converse with some. Unfortunately most were jerks and perverts so I got sick and tired of them. I was so bored that I just switched my attention to my “My Mini Life” account and decorated my pink niche. It was fantastic.

The next few days went the same. It was monotonous. I had no choice but to go with the flow… It continued to be like that until that time when I signed in with my Lime Mishi YM account again and met someone. His name was Jaycer Dhan. 20, M, Cavite was his ASL. Yeah he’s Pinoy. It was too good; my nose won’t bleed coz I won’t need to speak in dollar. Haha.

I used to think he was a kid since I was 4 yrs older than him that time and we have nothing much in common. He seemed absurd. He was very mysterious too. He does not speak much about himself. I felt the urge to decipher the enigma of his persona. But I did not interrogate him. I simply waited for him to open up.

I loved those times when we chatted coz he was like the typical guy friend whom I can talk to regarding any topic under the sun. That was fun. Unfortunately there were times when he was not online coz he said he was busy with his work. That’s sad but it’s ok with me. I understood his situation.

Gradually he started to show himself to me. I mean he began to reveal the kind of personality that he has. Little by little my curiosity spurted out. Being the inquisitive person that I am, I tried to ask him questions. I noticed that he was a little hesitant with his replies, but at least he was honest... I told him I was not forcing him to answer my quessies, since I also respected his privacy for that matter.

There was that time when I asked him about something but he misinterpreted it. He got mad and left me alone. Huhu… so mean… but I think my patience was long that time so I still managed to tell him that I was so sorry if I hurt his feelings. And that I’m still here in case he still needed me. Moreover, I can always be his friend if he liked…

Honestly I got so affected that time it happened until the time I went home. My friend noticed the sad look in my eyes and I told her I was really melancholic because of what had happened to us. When I got home, I even cried because of that. I told myself, “I think some people don’t deserve my friendship.” But I could sense that something was wrong with him that time so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I half-wished that he would return and bring back the usual conversations that we used to have.

All of the sudden he came back. I missed him but I prudently told him that he had hurt me too. Then he apologized and everything went back to its normal pace. For the nth time he asked me for my mobile number. I was hesitant at first coz you know, I don’t give my number to strangers, esp. in the internet. But I got convinced and so I gave it later. Ok. If he would text me nasty things, it’s easy to expunge him out of my system. That’s what I thought.

Yet life has its own mysteries. Would you believe that what we had started that way has evolved into something deeper now? Hmmm… I think I know who the culprit was. It’s no other than Cupid. He had his eyes on us so he matched us. Haha… now I’m blushing. Gosh…

At first I was skeptical about it. Who won’t? We haven’t seen each other yet and then he already professed that he loves me. I think that’s impossible. But there’s this very beautiful music that the legion of angels kept on playing… So exquisite, so naïve yet perfect… It’s like the wind; I can’t see it but I can feel it… It’s so stunningly hypnotizing… Like it’s saying “come with me, come with me...” like in the Pied Piper of Hamelin. It was gorgeously ineffable. We are far from each other yet I can feel the emotional connection between us. It’s some kind of an invisible thread that links us… It’s a magical feeling.

Some people whom I shared that to smiled and gave a sweet sigh... Some who were not convinced just shrugged their shoulders and said that I must peruse his character first before I give my trust. Yeah, both were right. Sometimes I don’t know what to do. But there’s this one thing I am so sure of: I could feel that he loves me deeply and I feel the same way too. Knowing that makes me so elated. I therefore conclude that I am now indulging in this thing that they call a “beautiful insanity.”

ANGST

8.06.08

I woke up today with headache throbbing in my skull. I couldn’t understand why. I also slept early last night and woke up today 5:30 as usual. Uh, never mind.

A lot of things lingered in my hypothalamus - mostly scattered thoughts, unanswered questions and suppressed emotions. Whether I liked it or not, I have to deal with those. I cannot dictate my brain on what to think anyway. Still my nerves felt like they were going to explode like an atomic time bomb any minute from now. I felt like I was being tortured by some merciless creature.

A little later you called me up, a smile lit up my face. It was good to hear your voice again. But suddenly I noticed you were not talking much. I guessed you were not feeling well. Then I figured out I was right. You told me you were having some chest pains. My smile suddenly turned into a frown. I was so worried about you. I felt so bad that I’m not there to take care of you. Anxiety ate me up. How I wished I could teleport from here to there just to see you and make sure you’re ok.

I was all ears. I was so worried coz I could no longer hear your voice on the other line. That was so terrible. I hoped the pain would vanish in the soonest possible time. All I could do was to say a little prayer for you. I asked the Lord to touch you with His healing hand so you would feel better.

The call was unexpectedly cut off. Still I waited with prayerful heart, hoping you would call back and tell me everything’s alright now. Please let me know immediately…

An hour later, you called up again. I gave a sigh of relief. Knowing that you’re ok now made me feel calm. I thanked God for answering my prayers. Then I continued praying that He would send you His angels to guard and protect you from any harm. “Please make him safe always...”

BOOZE

08.04.08

Last night was one of my worst nights ever. One intoxicated, perverted, decrepit man was beside me in the jeepney. I was so scared; my adrenaline rushed to its highest level and I was so cautious of what might happen. I was so infuriated. I swallowed a curse. I punched him in my thoughts. If the circumstance got worse, I planned to yell at him so he would be sober. Pathetic. What a freak.

Inside my mind I was thinking about you. I hated the distance between us. I know if you were here that would not happen. I am sure you would protect me and take care of me. I wanted to cry… I wanted to tell you something traumatic happened to me. But unfortunately, I can’t contact you. 3 missed calls. I wondered where you were.

I formulated some hypotheses. Maybe you were busy doing something else. Maybe you were out there somewhere… Still I hoped I could make you aware of what had happened. It was so mean. I wanted to pour my hurt feelings out. The power of mental telepathy. Yeah right! I tried it several times. “If you’re there, please keep in touch… Please do….” Unconsciously, I also uttered a prayer for it.

I asked for signs. If 3 missed calls and some sort of mental telepathy won’t work, I would sleep with a sigh. Although it’s hard, I would just pretend to be numb and I would compel myself to painstakingly forget about the upsetting scenario. It was so cruel. Damn it.
However, good things still happen. Out of the blue, I decided to insert my smart sim and without even crossing my fingers, my prayers were answered. God is really omniscient. He knows what I need. He made way for us to be connected. Well, thank you Lord. Please forgive me for my cuss words.

So right there and then, I saw your message and after a couple of seconds, you called me. Thank you so much. Even if I wanna think that the mental telepathy paved way for it, I am so certain that the prayer did it… That’s the power of prayer. No load and charging needed, but the line is always lucid and available.

At last I was able to blurt things out to you. I was so aware that you were so worried about me. I’m sorry for giving you anxiety. But from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for helping me alleviate the pain that I felt. Thanks for giving me your LDLC (long-distance love and care). I am really grateful for that. I am so blessed coz I have a MK who thinks about me and cares for me from afar.

I realized I was mistaken when I said that last night was one of the worst nights ever. Wanna know why? That night I remembered that there is someone who's always extraspecialsuperduperconcerned about me. I think that’s enough reason for me to smile now... :)

SPAGHETTI

08.03.08

The hard downpour of the rain fell like it’s gonna rain forever. I preoccupied myself with a lot of things. You know I wanna kill the time coz it seems longer than the normal. It had been this way since you were out of reach. It’s so terrible. Uuurrgggghhhhh!!!! I hate this, and I am certain that you loathe it more.

I was so bored that my eyes wandered aimlessly. All of the sudden I decided to cook spaghetti. I was smiling while doing it coz I remembered that we both loved this pasta. Mmm-hmmm… Too bad you’re not here, you cannot taste this.

However, don’t fret. Believe it or not, I thought about you while I ate our favorite spaghetti. I even uttered your name while I started eating it. How I wished we were savoring this together. I could imagine the smile on your face. I could see how you soulfully gaze at me. I could see how that moment mattered.

You always remind me not to be sad. But I’m so sorry, sometimes I cannot help it. I miss you so bad…

For now we can’t do anything yet but I just hope that someday, somewhere we can share the sweet spaghetti that we always dreamed of. Ever imagined the lady and the tramp? Hmmmm….

RAINBOW

08.02.08

I t was early afternoon. I was so busy thinking of you when out of the blue you texted me and told me how much you missed me. Awwwww….. That was so sweet!
I was on my way somewhere that time so I was worried we can’t talk much. Uh-oh!!! But the yearning that we felt just paved way for us to converse with each other. It was quite unplanned but that made me so glad.

I missed you... But I pined for you more when you told me about how sad you were coz we’re not able to keep in touch like we usually do. When I heard you sobbing, my heart secretly ached. How I wished I was there to hug you tight and tell you, “Don’t worry I’ll always be here for you…”

You know it’s also hard for me that we are miles away and we both feel this way…But I sincerely believe that everything happens for a reason… As the saying goes, “When God puts a tear in your eye, it’s because He wants to put a rainbow in your heart.”

Always remember that someday, there will be a chance for us to be happy… We may not exactly know when it will be. But it will surely happen…in God’s own perfect time.

SWEET ADDICTION

08.01.08

I just miss the good old lovely days… I think I just got used to cajole someone’s ears with my kakulitan and kasweetan. Haha…

Most of the time, I think about the fresh sweet memories… On the other end, I’m pretty sure someone’s missing them too. Oh come on. Did I say it’s addictive? Haha. I just hope everything would fall into their proper places again. In such case, smiles will reach up to the ears once more. ;)

I’m so delighted I’ve met someone like you. You were not so nice at first but as time passed by, I figured out you were one of a kind. You are exceptional. Never have I seen someone like you before. (Oh why are u blushing? It’s ok…) I’m so proud to have you there and I’m really so blessed because of you.

Thanks for sharing your stories with me… You admitted that you told me such stories not only because you trust me but because of some other valuable reason….Wow…I truly appreciate it a lot. I’m so flattered because you gave me the chance to take a tour around your life and now you are even giving me your spare key... Oh, it seems pretty interesting.

Well, I just want you to take care of yourself always. Keep the love burning…. I love it!!! <3>

AWIT

07.31.08

Nandito ako nakatago sa isang madilim na sulok ng aking pagkatao --- nag-iisa, nagmumuni-muni, lumuluha dahil sa labis na pagkabalisa at pag-aalala. Ako’y natatakot sa kanila, sa’yo at sa akin… Alam ko hindi ka magtatanong ngunit marahil ay nais mong mabatid kung bakit.

May naririnig akong isang magandang awitin. Sa paglipas ng mga araw, lalo itong nadarama ng aking puso. Unti-unti ako’y naakit at naaaliw. Minsan ninanais ko na ring umawit…

Datapwat sa kabila ng lahat, ako’y napaisip. Mas mainam sana kung nakikita ko muna yung kumakanta bago ako madala sa ganda ng kanyang awitin. Mas mabuti sana kung siya mismo ang magpapahiwatig ng tunay na kahulugan ng kanyang inaawit. Mas masaya sana kung habang kinakanta niya ang mga lirika, aking nakikita ang kanyang mga nangugusap na mga mata. Marahil ay doon ko na malalaman ang tunay na isinasaad ng kanyang damdamin. Sa puntong iyon ay mababatid ko kung talaga bang dapat ko pang ipagpatuloy ang aking pagkabighani sa ganun kagandang awitin o hindi na. Nakakalungkot isipin ngunit kailangan e.

Malinaw pa sa tubig na inumin ang aking pandinig. Lubhang napakaganda ng kanyang awitin… Sa malayo ito nagmumula ngunit ito’y parang napakalapit lamang. Bawat lirika ay tumatagos sa aking puso… Makahulugan, makabagbag-damdamin, ewan… Hindi ko ito lubos maipaliwanag… Ako’y nasisiyahan at nagagalak. Ngunit sa kabila ng lahat, ako rin ay napapausisa : “Totoo ba ang lahat ng ito o ito ba’y isang panaginip lamang?”

Sa ngayon hindi ko pa alam ang mga kasagutan. Basta ang sigurado ko ay may wastong panahon para sa lahat ng yun. Kung ano man ang mga yun, sana hindi na ulit ako masaktan. Sana hindi na ulit ako umasa sa wala. Sana kung sino man yung kumakanta, siya na rin yung nakatadhanang aawit kasama ko. Sana siya na… Pero kung hindi siya, sana siya na lang… <3